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SirBoB
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read my profile
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Name: James
Country: United States
State: New York
Metro: Queens
Birthday: 1/31/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: God, friends, Swords and other weapons, Rpg's, the #49, Anime, Adult swim, YooHoo, Choco tacos, my nephews, writing, drawing, painting, sitting and eating, breathing is ok I guess, sleeping and Dreaming.
Expertise: Giving names to inanimate objects, My left foot's named Steve, Sword fighting with katanas, kendo sticks, bokken,pole axes,knifes,tantos,bo staffs, etc.., the random weapon making and using anything to kill a person, eye glasses are quite deadly in the right hands.. blah blah bleh I'm gonna make some Hot-Pockets....
Occupation: no real job yet. Im a wanderin
Industry: Research in myself
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  I Lost 49 Clouds
Member Since:
3/23/2003
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| just me who vistits.
so here i am. at the mercy almost of will but sobering up now. (good thing? bad thijg)?
forget spell check\.
will i ever get home? i feel like i did lost in brooklyn at 3 am. but i am "home" now. how...oddd....
surrounded by past and currently loves. how... akward. my life, akward.
just..... painful.
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| i know what that means now. i can feel and understand it.
so yea. so this is living. just night after night. not remebering, not sober or so. maybe these are the days ill look back on and laugh and or cry. maybe things will change. maybe they wont. maybe both?
im tired. but shouldnt sleep. so waht am i doing and when am i going to do it? no one can answer not me mostly not me.
oy relationships are weird. feels like every girl in my life i have an odd relationship with, some kind of odd history with. whats up with that!? such an odd confusing life i lead in my mind.
okie lets slow down with everything. lets chill with that for now. had our fun, lets make it more special thing.
the story of james, trying to change his life for the past 15 years. doctor appointmensta re important but need something major to put life in order. should be school. yes. james first should... get an as degree in his hand. now when can i? hmm ill go get some #'s.
k anywho so yeah. theres an update on nothing? or maybe more. positive thinking positive thinking.
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| I climbed up a mountain, and looked off the edge
At all of the lives that I never have led
There's one where I stayed with you across the sea
I wonder do you still think of me
I carry your image always in my head
Folded and yellowed and torn at the edge
And I've looked upon it for so many years
Slowly I am loosing your face
ive been wanting to write randomly. im glad i still use this place. my greatest fear is losing this site. i enjoy reading pieces of here time to time, even if it makes me sad. i think its more sad that seems i havent changed if anything worse. who knows..
im waiting for life to hit me with a car or something i think. just want that something, something big to just keep me. afloat? i dunno. something to really live for. b t w. my freakin neck thing is back outta nowhere. i guess its a stress thing? cant stop it. dont know how i stopped last time. its getting annoying. i hate it. sometimes i just want to leave, start anew but i cant and theres no point. i mean yeah the surroundings arent helping the problem is me. i think i should go to a confessional. hmm maybe i do need closure. fuck. wow yeah i think so. i just griefly thought about going to see my dads and moms garve and tears came. wow. sheesh. okie guess thats a definite yes. my next day off... maybe i can go monday. steve said he drive me. hmm.
i need a push forward, more like a shove. take care of myself. i dont. ima mess. i live in mess. i eat and sleep mess of a life. im seeing someone now. sorta well yeah i am just not much. its a lil odd relationship, both got issues, shes far off and well fits the pattern. at times im happy, at times angry and sad. just randomly. nothing bipolar i think just off. im off.
im surrounded by people i want to be, people i want to be with, people i dont want anything to do with and people i just despise and some i love.
im scared if the day comes i ever get into a fight. i think i have A lot of pent up rage inside. sometimes its scary. i need a punching bag or something. always wanted one that hangs from ceiling. one day..
i should go back to school. but i really want to know what for. english? i mean what can i do? what am i doing? i need to get life in order but i keep pushing it off and ill continue.
need to go to a doctor
need to go to a dentist
need to get a new therapist or go back?
need to go to school
need to get permit and license
need to treat self better
etc
hmmm ill look into some schooling now. i guess. also call jaunita...hmmm ya. then
clean? mehhhhhh. fine.
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| im stuck in reverse or so it feels. last night was a shot in the jaw i needed. a wasted day but not wasted thoughts and a lesson to be burned in my mind. what have i become?
i was called the good guy and in a sense i am and can be or was?
i cheat, i steal, i lie, i use, i envy and hate, i "love" too easily. things need to change but i do nothing i write and write about it for how many years? just got no motivation. i need to care for myself but i just dont. i really am just fuckin broken inside. at times i get by just by faking it and it works and feels okay . but lately its just the pieces keep falling. they're worn down. they just wont fit right.
everyone points to school. i think its a good idea. but for what and why... mostly what. i remember i had something to look into but what was it? hmm. why am i so down? guess im sick of being the odd one out. perfect couples and such. well nothings perfect but just..better, greater. i wish i could go back, no rather i wish i could chnage now. im talking like its already happened and i cant do anything about it but i can. dont know what to do but. okie fix things fix you. make a list.
stop being dumb. i think God and fate and all that jazz has taught you enough, next time it just may happen.
hmm i cant leave this place cause i know living on my own would be better but lonely. dont think i can. maybe i should? either way dont got cash soooo yeah keep place clean..er.
yesterday.. wow havent heard this song in a whileeee. heh makes me think of that scene in mr bean.
well anywho um guess ill go clean up a bit and then hopefully hang out or something. need a new group of friends but like saw in i love you man thats sorta impossible.
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| ii dont even know what to write about. i just cant be here. this place is not a home. its hell. a hell i built. kayla breaking up and just. its the same thing again those years ago. the walls are down and i have nothing.
i feel left out of everything. my fault it feels as normally. next room 2 exs hanging out. seriously james ur a fucking moron. im not doing anything with my life it feels. no one gives a hsit. they do but what can they do? nothing. i dont even wnat to write. i just want to leave. im breaking down every single day. i cant
i cant do this anymore i cant do this again.
i just want to die again and again. but i wont and cant. im not. ill live though somehow i just dont know why. im forced too.
im fucking hopeless. so dumb. so fucking stupid and just nothing. im not am i. but i just feel.....horrible
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